Dear Bed Bath & Beyond,

Listen. I know that you have good intentions. I do.

It’s just… well, where do I begin?

Why on Earth would a person need seven different strainers for pasta? Do I need a new strainer for each day of the week? Or a different one for each type of pasta? Why do they all look different? Is one colander far superior? Also, if I buy said colander, does that make me the Colander Commander?

Who comes up with the names for the colors of your bath towels? Is he/she OK?

Again, with the unnecessary kitchen tools!  I’m sorry, but I do not think cucumber spiral-ers or potato mashers are the most necessary kitchen appliances. Unless you’re some kind of chef. Or my mom.

Why do you think that the sole thing standing in the way of me having a healthy diet is the fact that I do not own one of your $300 blenders?

Apparently, your customer service is terrible. Linda from Birmingham, Alabama wrote a strongly-worded complaint on your website. I trust her word over yours.

What is the difference between all of the vacuums that you sell?

Keeping all of these rolling ladders around is kind of dangerous. You have no idea how tempting it is to climb those ladders. Imagine someone with less self-control than myself stumbling upon one of these ladders. It’s a recipe for disaster.

How the HECK do you expect me to fit this into my car? I don’t drive a semi, for heaven’s sake!

I don’t believe it is necessary for you to have a completely separate section in your store for fake fruits. What do you think I’m going to do with a six-pack of fake limes, huh? You think that I’m going to walk in, see these limes, and think, “Wow, limes! They look so realistic! I must have them. It has been my lifelong dream to display a vase full of limes in my home!” Is this a scenario that you think could actually happen?

How do you expect me to hang something in my home that is heavier than me?

Tell me honestly, what’s so bad about microwave popcorn? Why do I have to make it in a fancy popper that is much more expensive and truthfully just a waste of time? Shameful.

I wish you didn’t make me feel like the cutting boards that I already own are inferior. I don’t need a new one. I don’t.

Half of the products in your ‘As Seen on TV’ aisle are opened already. Thought you should know.

Why do you have so many candles? Would you like me to perform some kind of ritual with all of these? I can’t think of any other reason why you would need so many.

Who would decorate their house with that?

You sell a “Bed in a Bag” that has everything in it that you would need for making a bed except for the actual bed. See the issue?

Your prices are too high. Stop that.

What makes you think that this bath mat is worth $49.99? Did Jesus walk on this bath mat? It’s not even high-quality fabric. And who would buy a bath mat that is the same color as old mustard? I definitely do not want the first thing that I step on when I get out of the shower to remind me of a dried-out condiment.

Why must you put price stickers on everything? Do you know how hard those things are to get off?

Do your coupons last for two days at a time or something? Seriously, every time I try to use one for something I definitely don’t need, the cashier tells me it’s expired. How dare you.

Ha, you think I’m going to make my own frozen yogurt.

Having a mug for every holiday just isn’t practical. Why are you lying to yourself?

Why do you have an aisle specifically for those cups that only grandmas buy? You know, the ones made of plastic that have a quote or something on them and will probably crack if you drop them on the ground?

The fluorescent lights in your store make me uncomfortable. My skin is already pasty enough as is, and your cheap dangly lighting fixtures do nothing but illuminate (no pun intended) this detail. Thanks.

The beds you use to display your comforters and pillows are a lie. They’re basically boxes! Is it to prevent me from taking naps on them? Okay, I guess that’s kind of smart.

I just realized that there is no comma in Bed Bath & Beyond. Either you made an irksome grammar mistake or came up with an amazing invention idea. A bed bath? Sign me up.

Must I be insulted on my way in and out of the door by your snarky doormats?

Why do you sell pans that aren’t non-stick? Like, yes, I would like to buy a pan that everything I fry will stick to. I just love spending 20 minutes tirelessly scraping just to get every last bit of charred remains off of the surface.

Where am I supposed to store all of these towels?

Why are children allowed to touch the pillows that you have on display? Do you have any idea what kind of germs children carry on their grubby little fingers? You really want me to lay my face on a diseased pillow when I am testing its quality? No? That’s what I thought.

WHY DO I NEED A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT TOOL JUST FOR MIXING MY SALAD?

Who thought it was a good idea to put massagers out to try FOR FREE? You do realize that people can just walk in, sit at the heated neck massager for 30 minutes, and then walk out without buying a single thing? Not that I’ve done that before. How dare you accuse me of such a thing.

Get your act together, Bed Bath and Beyond. Then, maybe one day you can be as good as Ikea or Target.

Signed,

Meg

This is the uncut version of the story published in the February edition of The Antler Express.

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